Rocky Mountain Retards!

This can is defective...Rockies are not blue and its in the snow!

Disclaimer: In no way is this post meant to target, ridicule, or cast slander towards people with physical or mental disabilities.  Instead, it is meant to cast slander towards ridiculous marketing schemes and bull-shit gimmicks!

Freezing---I wonder if that's cold?

So, apparently Coors has decided to market an idea based on the assumption that everyone has been recently deprived of their sense of touch. Why the hell would you spend money on producing a cold activated can to alert your consumers that their beer is in fact cold?  I don’t know about you, but I’ve never said to myself —“Shit, I can’t tell if my beer is cold!  We need a tool to help us with this.”  No…we don’t!  We already have one you assholes!  It’s called our hands…

Here’s a thought: How about I dip my fist into a cooler full of ice and give you a cold-activated crack in the facials for coming up with such a shitty idea?  Since I’m going to use my hands anyway while I drink the damn thing, doesn’t it make sense just to touch the fucking thing to see if its warm or cold before I crack her open?

So cold---Maybe that's cold?

And if that’s not quite enough, Coors has gone even further by creating a ‘cold activation window’ on the box.  This is so you can see if those Rockies are blue just before you rip the box from the fridge and bust into it like a 5-year-old with ADHD on Christmas morning!  Put it this way, wait a few hours…and the shit’s cold.  Then, if you decide to peer into that magical little window and the Rockies aren’t blue yet—you have bigger problems.  In this case, your fridge is probably busted and warm beer is the least of your worries.

I will say this—The cooler bag is probably their best idea to date.  At least it serves a function.  Ironically, I’ve never seen a cold cooler bag.  They’re always on an end cap—warm as balls cinched in a pair of tight BVD’s.

What are we to do with warm cooler bags?  Stuff them with ice?  There’s no damn room!  Put them inside a cooler?  A cooler inside a cooler?  It’s like wooden Russian dolls only with beer, not to mention your overall cost goes up with the added bullshit…

Bottom line…screw the gimmicks—Beer sells itself!

As for myself—gimme a Labatts, a handjob, and a hockey game—I’m out…

-Sampsonianslumber

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19 responses to “Rocky Mountain Retards!

  1. Sampsonianslumber,

    I’ll be happy to buy you a beer—Hell, I’ll even take your fat ass to hockey game—Good luck fun finding that handjob though…

    Ron,

    PS—Who the fuck are you kidding anyway? We all know your beverage of choice is Malibu rum, mixed with TAB—shaken, then stirred…

  2. They should create “Cold Activated Breasts” Oh wait, thats when the nipples get hard. Too late.

  3. Seeing as I live near the Rocky Mountains I’ll admit that when I first read the title I was like “Huh? Why would you think that? Especially since I’m gifted.” But then I realized it had to do with Marketing and I felt stupid.

    THEN I realized it was actually the OTHER Rocky Mountains and I felt like a…well, you know.

  4. I’m with you on this one

  5. uve missed the ENTIRE point sampsonianslumber buddy…

    as an advertising or marketing manager what is the first question we ask ourselves when we have to come up with a rebranding/new campaign?
    dont know?
    the number one question asked is “how can we make this product even more appealing to the lazy fat asses that buy our shit?”

    and hence they came up with…the coldness indicator!

    1. you dont have to worry about getting your hands overused by actually using them to touch the cans to see if they are cold
    2. its a time saver…
    3. you dont need to think u just wait to be told when you can drink..

    laziness…. the best money maker habit ever invented…

    • the number one question asked is “how can we make this product even more appealing to the lazy fat DRUNK asses that buy our shit?”

      Beer is marketed to appeal to drunks. If you really want taste in a beer, buy non-marketed beer. When comparing beers, taste wise, no American marketed beer would be listed in the top 1000 of the world. Coors? Bud? Millers? Hell, Vietnamese beer, considered the worst in the world, has more flavor.

      Well, maybe North Korean Prongy beer might be a bit better, but then again, it’s also used as rocket fuel, so at least it’s good for something.

      Seriously funny post, amigo 🙂

    • Susi,
      I appreciate the constructive criticism from a pro. Here’s my take on it though. I’m obviously no marketing guru, at times I’m lazy as hell, and I used to be a fat-ass. Now, if you want to re brand this shit… make it taste better. Or shit, go back to the coors light twins! Two hot twins always appeal to lazy fat asses.

      Jammer,
      Thanks for the back. Glad I could procure a laugh or two. It’s always the main goal.

  6. Sheez, Duncan will be pissed he drinks his beer warm 🙂

  7. It’s Coors. It needs all the help it can get.

  8. I couldn’t agree more. If you can’t wait a few hours for your beer to get cold then you are an alcoholic. And if you are an alcoholic you shouldn’t be buying Coors Fucking Light anyway because CFL is piss flavored water.

    And I use retard all the time. I’ve never disparaged the mentally or physically challenged in my life but that word has not been applied to them, thank God for decades. Retard is now officially owned by comedians. And we will never give it back!

  9. Beer sells itself…but bad beer needs gimmicks.

  10. According to Ziggy, those windows in the boxes are the worst things ever invented for beer delivery guys. He got a million paper cuts last Friday delivering them. So I agree, dumb idea.

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