Our Doors Are Closing Tightly—For 7 Days…

Tomorrow morning I’m getting on a plane  and flying southward—taking direct aim on hurricane Earl’s weathery crotch…

Planes are always a fun time though—Just like anyone else, I enjoy being crammed next to a couple of sweaty donkeys on a winged metal capsule of stress, fear, tension, crying babies, claustrophobia and gay stewards on the brink of insanity—as we hurdle through the sky at about 500-mph.

The best way to cope with all of these variables?  Do what I do. What do I do?  This is what I do…

I'll be reading this book, aloud---for most of the flight...

Sick of obnoxious passengers?  Surpass them all instead…

First, I’ll wear something that’s not only frighteningly tight—but also velvet.  I’ll be donning bright white, hi-top sneakers and a fake gold chain that disappears into my exposed throw-rug of wavy breast hair.  My head hair?  It too will be perfect…

When the peanuts and pretzels are provided, I will proceed to eat them with my mouth open while talking loudly to my neighbors about highly uninteresting bull-shit.  If I see a man using one of those tiny pillows, I will promptly inform him that he’s officially gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

I will also drink V-8 with plenty of ice and those who cast dirty looks my way will find themselves blinded by all of those veggies and antioxidants.  Then I’ll wait for my neighbors to fall asleep, only to wake them because I need to get up and use the restroom—which especially ticks them off because I’ll have the aisle seat…

Much Thanks 🙂

~Ron-Yves Strouteau

The following are some of our earlier posts—that nobody (except Bearman) read…Enjoy!

I Just Puked In My Mouth…(Quick snippet inspired by the Octomom)

Unaware Of Underwear Inflation…(Dr. Max Yestronaut’s frustrating account of an underwear-shopping endeavor)

He Came—He Danced—He Had Intercourse With The Hottest Girl In School…(Outdated film review of rug-cutting classic, Footloose)

Raq-Hell yeah I Would…(5 days from now, I’ll officially want to have sex with a 70 year-old woman)

A Terrible Tumble…(Dr. Max Yestronaut doing his part to make sure some mascot will never ‘live it down’)

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45 responses to “Our Doors Are Closing Tightly—For 7 Days…

  1. It’s been more than 7 days now….

  2. OMG, it’s taking too long, something is wrong. Vegetable juice is to be shaken before consumption, right ? Did any planes go down because someone manage to smuggle nitroglycerine in the V-8 cans ?

  3. I am pretty sure it’s been over a week. Hello, we’re bored already!!!

  4. Ron? It’s been 7 days Ron. Ron? Ron can you hear us?!! Ron! NOOO!!! JESUS CHRIST EVERYONE! HE’S DEAD!!! Now please migrate to LoveintheDumps.com to get your fix of Tight Slacked humor. RIP.

  5. Ron,
    This post is funny as hell. It reminded me of the time I was on a flight from NYC to TPA. There was a 6 year old (bratty) kid behind me. Throughout the flight his parents let him read his book to the entire plane ~ four times!! We were about to land when he said, “I’m gonna read it again daddy!”. That’s when I yelled out “No way!” (a couple of brave souls actually applauded) to which the father of the child interrupted saying, “Hey! He’s just a kid!”. About then Rip interjected, “Hey, this ain’t your minivan pal! Not everyone wants to hear your brat read!”

    • Nice of Rip to lay down the law–someone had to do it…

      I sat near some obnoxious kids on the way down to Florida—I was ready to roll up 2 copies of Sky Mall magazine and turn ’em into a set of nunchucks…

      I’m super bad-ass…

  6. Ha, if you ever do the 3 day plane ride from hell to Australia you might need to up those antics to something like making loud declarations about yr highly contagious, incurable, diseases while you cough and splutter and sneeze over yr fellow travelers, it be sure to create some much needed elbow room…..

  7. Eat lots of garlic before you fly….then when u sweat…you will have that wonderful odeur de garlic! lol

  8. try getting a length of string and stick one end up a nostril, letting the rest of it dangle down your chin.

    If that doesn’t deter anyone from trying to strike up a conversation with you, then move to plan B – remove the piece of string from your nostril, gaze at it for a few seconds then slowly, slowly place it in your mouth and start to chew. That should pretty much guarantee you an unmolested flight !!! 😆

    P.S. Plan B should not be attempted until you have mastered the sleight of hand necessary to deceive your neighbour into thinking the tip of the string you have placed in your mouth is the end that was up your nostril rather than is the case, the opposite dangly end of the string 😆

  9. trust the bloody americans to annoy you on the plane…

    😛

    bring me back a present!! 😀

    • A present? I’ll bring you back a sunburn, how’s that sound?…and maybe a sex tape that I’m gonna make with Cinderella…

      Bye Bye Bye.

      🙂

      • the sex tape with cinderella!?? tell that biatch that she took my bra instead of hers last time she and i..i mean…. seriously the nerve of some ppl!

        lol
        BYE

  10. Have fun! I fly every couple weeks and if the valium doesn’t work I move my wife into the line of word fire.

  11. Vodka and Ground Beef

    Would it be possible for you to bring a bible so you can try to convert your seat mates to Christianity? I endured that craziness on a flight back from Hawaii. The multiple Xanaxs and Somas I took to try and kill myself did nothing. She was too intense. Try it.

  12. Hmm, my attire of choice is usually a nice tight nylon blouse that I have slept in for several days , preferably dark so as to highlight the sweat stains under the armpits. Oh and my sneakers I have discreetly covered in duck poo. I just love the way everyone instinctively looks under their shoes to make sure it’s not them. Then I order a tomato juice and leave a healthy helping on my upper lip. Needless to say I always get both armrests!!!

  13. hey look at you, all spiffy with the new blog design.

    i luuurve it.

    • Thanks Blunt—Highlights magazine just voted SuchTightSlacks.com as the 12th-billion best blog on WordPress.com—not bad eh?

      Sometimes I wake up in the night with the taste of your socks in my mouth…

      • i sort of feel like we are reinacting a scene from Wedding Crashers right now with the sock talk.

        Anyhoozle, it’s been 7 days. times 2. almost. but then again i took college algebra four times.

        come back.

  14. Bring some broccoli and rinse it down with tonic water. It’s healthy, it prevents malaria, and within 20 minutes they’ll start breaking out the parachutes. So time it carefully. After all, you do want to wind up in Florida. Have a great visit.

  15. Ha! I think I’ve sat right by you on a previous flight.
    And I’m awfully sweaty, yes – but a donkey? That’s kinda’ harsh. I fancy myself more of an alpaca, really. 🙂

  16. You got a death wish? Or are you just amping up for a man to whirl tussle with hurricane Earl? Let us know how it all went, assuming you survive and aren’t too embarrassed. What the hell am I saying? Embarrassment requires a sense of shame! 😆

  17. Ha! That Gaga picture is so disturbing that I actually clicked it on it twice…There’s no way I’d get through a security checkpoint wearing that getup…

    🙂

  18. You must be flying internationally because they don’t have pillows on domestic flights anymore.

  19. or you could do the lady gaga dress sense when she travels, http://25.media.tumblr.com/1fdtdYBtyr1ccg1k3d0UaBwjo1_500.jpg , and of course you could try the unwashed and hobo look so no one wants to sit next to you, could work…

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