Planes, Dachshunds & Killer Whales…(I’m Alive)

The crack staff over at United Airlines...

The Flight To Florida…

I sat next to the Satan Family on the way down—a quietly loud-mouthed family of frackin’ four that featured a rubber-lipped Gummy-Bear junkie of a son and a ‘Tom Hanks with C-cups’ looking Mom who was more than willing to fill the little monster’s mouth with Gummy-Goods the entire flight (I bet you a buck his bowel movements bounce like a bastard)…

The father seemed like an OK guy—except his shorts were just about too short and his legs looked like dead Christmas trees…and if it weren’t for the fact the he appeared to be breast-feeding their other son for the entire flight, I probably wouldn’t have given him a second look, let alone thrown a glass of V-8 right in his face…

It’s OK, I had asked for the whole can of V-8—I had V-8 to spare

The Florida in Florida…

It was 31 years in the making—but I finally made it to Sea World 🙂

While exploring Sea World’s aquatic chambers of sea-sex and salty sins—I turned around, only to find Shamu—dropping his cotton Dockers and flashing his Killer Whanker at me—One of several shocked witnesses snapped the following picture of my reaction to the ordeal…

Due to that Florida sun---I wasn't wearing anything from the waist down that day---This photo has been cropped for your safety...

Before long, I found myself 30-miles offshore on a deep-sea fishing expedition where I proceeded to hook and land the rare and majestic Sea Dachshund (Dachshund of the Sea)

Bonkers...

The Flight Home…

The best flight of my life, hands down.  I was the lone passenger on a flight being tended to by this stewardess (she completed a 3-year stint in a women’s prison just minutes before takeoff)…

Turbulence.

In closing, a confused gentleman from China took my bag right off the baggage claim’s carousel, thinking it was his—he apparently made it all the way to his hotel and was probably wearing my underwear (on his head) before realizing that he’d grabbed the wrong luggage…

I was home by then—in the bathtub, listening to Midnight Oil on vinyl and crying on a cheesecake when I got the call from an angel working for United-Air saying that my bag had been recovered…

According to her, the gentleman’s actual bag was a different color, material and style than mine 🙂

-Ron-Yves Strouteau

PS – What did I miss?

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37 responses to “Planes, Dachshunds & Killer Whales…(I’m Alive)

  1. OK, what the hell is wrong with you people? Ron I am pointing at you, when I say this. 7 days you said…..it’s been like forever and not a new goddam post. How tight are those slacks? Blahahahaah come back to the five and dime Jimmy!!!!

  2. That girl has nothing on the hot Parisians I was staring at day and night for the last week. Because we took Ryan Air back though, you win on the stewardess war.

    I lived in Florida for 6 years and I’m moving back in 8 months!

  3. Stewardess’s have really changed since the last time I was on a plane, might need to look into getting some frequent flyer miles.

    http://minilaptop410.wordpress.com/

  4. Haven’t seen you around the triplewide lately.

  5. we women dont have it so good… usually if there is a hot male air host(ess) they are gay… man so jipped!

  6. Turbulence, the air mile bonus chick, is really something. I’m envious of her parole officer. She didn’t get that cushy job for nothing.

  7. I never get a stewardess like that. I only get grouchy old women who spill my drinks in my lap. She must be in first class only.

  8. . . . the final episode of Biggest Loser, where the biggest loser was mistaken for Osama bin Beck and tortured by shaving his head and pouring lime jello on it while he had to listen to Brittany Spears’ Oops!… I Did It Again played at 1/2 normal speed for sixteen hours straight. Other than that, not much.

  9. I think that shark is attacking you because of the blood-red sox on your shirt

  10. Vodka and Ground Beef

    “A Tom Hanks with C Cups looking mom”

    HILARIOUS!!! We’ve missed you Ron-Yves Strouteau.

  11. I’m man enough to say that there was a lonely hole in my heart when you were gone.

    As you were.

  12. Holly frick … flying sea creatures! Quick – fire a seat cushion / flotation device at that beast (luckily there’s already an insanely effective diversion in progress)! 🙂

  13. Your descriptions are so hilarious! I love to read what you write. And thanks for the pic of your stewardess. Sigh…..

    “Dead Christmas trees”, he says. Sheesh!

  14. Several hours next to a pair of dead Christmas trees supporting a breastfeeder … and he seems ‘like an OK guy’? I would have crawled into an overhead bin and spent the entire flight there.

  15. I quite enjoyed seeing the elusive Dachshund du mere! How ever did you get a snap of it?

  16. 1. the gummy bear mysteria is solved!
    2. Those red sox really bring out your eyes..
    3. the flight attendant was actually man.. just so you know… 😛

    haha

  17. Hmm, gummie bears you say? This might explain a few things …
    http://frigginloon.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/lsd-laced-gummie-bears-the-latest-trend/

    I swear you photoshopped those gloves on!!!!

  18. florida…America’s Schlong. Kicking self for not thinking of that.

  19. Glad to see you’ve made it back alive, even though that naked stewardess was supposed to prevent exactly that. Life in prison must have been more “satisfying” than we thought! 😀

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