Category Archives: Grub & Beverage

Rocky Mountain Retards!

This can is defective...Rockies are not blue and its in the snow!

Disclaimer: In no way is this post meant to target, ridicule, or cast slander towards people with physical or mental disabilities.  Instead, it is meant to cast slander towards ridiculous marketing schemes and bull-shit gimmicks!

Freezing---I wonder if that's cold?

So, apparently Coors has decided to market an idea based on the assumption that everyone has been recently deprived of their sense of touch. Why the hell would you spend money on producing a cold activated can to alert your consumers that their beer is in fact cold?  I don’t know about you, but I’ve never said to myself —“Shit, I can’t tell if my beer is cold!  We need a tool to help us with this.”  No…we don’t!  We already have one you assholes!  It’s called our hands…

Here’s a thought: How about I dip my fist into a cooler full of ice and give you a cold-activated crack in the facials for coming up with such a shitty idea?  Since I’m going to use my hands anyway while I drink the damn thing, doesn’t it make sense just to touch the fucking thing to see if its warm or cold before I crack her open?

So cold---Maybe that's cold?

And if that’s not quite enough, Coors has gone even further by creating a ‘cold activation window’ on the box.  This is so you can see if those Rockies are blue just before you rip the box from the fridge and bust into it like a 5-year-old with ADHD on Christmas morning!  Put it this way, wait a few hours…and the shit’s cold.  Then, if you decide to peer into that magical little window and the Rockies aren’t blue yet—you have bigger problems.  In this case, your fridge is probably busted and warm beer is the least of your worries.

I will say this—The cooler bag is probably their best idea to date.  At least it serves a function.  Ironically, I’ve never seen a cold cooler bag.  They’re always on an end cap—warm as balls cinched in a pair of tight BVD’s.

What are we to do with warm cooler bags?  Stuff them with ice?  There’s no damn room!  Put them inside a cooler?  A cooler inside a cooler?  It’s like wooden Russian dolls only with beer, not to mention your overall cost goes up with the added bullshit…

Bottom line…screw the gimmicks—Beer sells itself!

As for myself—gimme a Labatts, a handjob, and a hockey game—I’m out…

-Sampsonianslumber

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Aside

Calling all viewers of the Food Network… On June 17th we drew comparisons to Food Network stalwarts Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell (Gal Fieri)—They’re related, OK?—No man, woman or DNA-testing is going to tell me otherwise!  Regardless, the friggin’ Fieri-plot … Continue reading

I Scream, You Scream—The ATM Screams For Ice-Cream…

The New England Weather Update?It’s 177 fuckin’ degrees!—It’s hotter than Satan’s wife and as muggy as the space between Kirstie Alley’s multi-acred bum-cheeks—My apologies for that visual, but I don’t mince words when discussing matters of humidity…

Upon returning home from a quick 2-day work venture to Albany, NY (greenly disarming the air-conditioner before my departure) I was shocked to find that my apartment had morphed into some type of steamy Turkish schvitz in less than 48 hours—in fact, some sweaty dude in his late 60’s just walked out of my kitchen wearing nothing but a towel and frankly, I’m a little irritated…

My weapon of choice when battling such hellish conditions as these?—Ice-cream sundaes fool…However, the current weather is really striking a chord with my post-Floridian self (I’m actually writing this from inside my fridge, just until the AC catches it’s breath)—and not just any old ice-cream sundae is gonna’ cut it this time…

I need a sundae that has Tahitian vanilla ice-cream with additional flavoring from those sultry vanilla beans of Madagascar—I want a sundae that includes exotic candied French fruit, Caribbean cocoa, Marzipan cherries, Grand Passion Caviar and freekin’ gold damn it—I want this thing to be served in a shwanky crystal goblet and most importantly, I want it to cost me $1,000.oo please…

The Golden Opulence Sundae (What I Want)

(Source of Sundae Sorcery)

Can’t afford it?  Montel Williams has your back 🙂

That medical bill?  Paid—The car?  Fixed—The Golden Opulence Sundae?  In your frackin mouth chief…

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Aside

Do you watch the Food Network like I do?  Well, I think this picture speaks for itself…

Aside

Amid speculation that Ronald McDonald would be retiring from the limelight, a McDonalds spokesperson announced quite the contrary.  Recent pressure from health advocacy groups has sparked a furious debate as to whether Ronald McDonald is responsible for encouraging unhealthy food … Continue reading

Poutine Champion Of The World Takes Home $750 And A Huge Ass…

BEWARE: Ryan Smolkin is a ‘poutine-pusher’.  Smolkin, the founder of Smoke’s Poutinerie and creator of the World Poutine Eating Championship, recently crowned America’s pride & joy, Pat ‘Deep-Dish’ Bertoletti as the victor of this year’s competition in Toronto, Ontario.  Pat courageously downed 13-pounds of poutine in 10-minutes to take home the grand prize of a reduced lifespan, a plunger autographed by the Maple Leafs & 750-bucks.

Thank you Canada, for continuing to provide me with reasons to love your country.  Also, kudos to this Pat Bertoletti character for getting his American ass up to Toronto to grab a win for the States…

KFC’s Double-Downers Would Jump For Joy If They Could Actually Jump…

CLICK the image of KFC's test-kitchen to read an article that could help explain the Double-Down's origin.

Two pieces of chicken, two pieces of cheese, two pieces of bacon and two miles to the nearest hospital—bon appetite…

-Double Don

For those of you that aren’t already aware—the culinary innovators over at KFC recently revolutionized the traditional sandwich mantra when they subtracted the bread, added more chicken and divided it by bacon & cheese—thus equaling the Double-Down.

Clearly taking aim on a Nobel Peace Prize, the fried chicken stalwart made a lot of people happy when they announced that they’d be offering this vegan’s dream-of-a-sandwich for an extended period of time.

Kudos to KFC for their relentless commitment to culinary excellence…