Category Archives: The Gulf Of Mexicoil

Your Tight Weather Fork-Ass—Thank Us After The Storm…

Dust off the leather umbrella and slap some Turtle-Wax on your shit-kickers—Monday awaits…

*Note: We neglected to include any information pertaining to the barometric pressure in your hometown because, let’s face it—nobody gives a shit about the barometric pressure in your hometown…

The ADHD Chuck Norris Radar Run-Down: As you can see, ADHD Chuck Norris is still distracted by the Great Lakes, therefore he has yet to relay us any real information which relates to the radar images…We apologize for the inconvenience…

*Note: The stress of being located directly under Chuck’s lethal & gargantuan genitals was simply too much for Texas to bear—the lonestar state broke off and sank to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexicoil early this morning…

Published by: Sampsonian & Ron-Yves

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PRESTO! Sometimes we need to learn things the hard way—Like where to poke around and where not to poke around…BP Oil’s Tony Hayward, along with earth’s ecosystem—took one hard off the chin last month when the oil-giant’s long bony finger … Continue reading

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How about a big hand for these two?…or not… (source: the internuts) Driven by their adverse stance on Arizona’s new immigration law (SB-1070), the fruity pop duo of Hall & Oates have recently canceled their July 2nd concert, which was … Continue reading

Costner, Cameron, Callaway Golf-Balls—& The Gulf Of Mexicoil…

One drop of oil...

If money is truly the root of all evil—then the Devil himself has been urinating in the pool for about a month now…

BP Global is the company responsible for the recent oily debacle—from a mechanical standpoint anyway…As someone who purchases gasoline on a regular basis, I’d have to put a small percentage of the blame on myself.  BP is simply fueling the lifestyle that people like you and I have created over the years…We need gasoline—they get gasoline—but trying to get it from under the frackin’ ocean is obviously a bad idea.  Seriously, I think the off-shore oil drilling debate appears to officially be over…

BP has tried several different attempts at fixing the catastrophe—Actually, BP’s robots are the ones who are actually trying to fix the leak…These robots have now tried to cork it, cap it & plug it—Then they tried to put a dome over it (straight out of The Simpsons movie)—They tried to jam it with shredded tires and golf balls—Then Kevin Costner shows up on horseback with some wacky apparatus that his brother invented…Side Note: Who the hell knows what these robots are actually up to anyway—BP’s  got the maid from the Jetsons and R2-D2 down there playing a game of ‘slap & tickle’ with a bucket of golf-balls and a frackin’ snow-tire—How’s that working out?

An oil-related trophy I'm assuming...

Regardless, the situation gets a little weirder today as James Cameron has apparently arrived on the scene to help with the crisis.  You know things are severely headed south when the head-honcho over at BP stands up halfway through the morning meeting and says, “Fu*k this and fu*k you—I’m calling that guy who made Avatar.”

Well played…

However, I suppose after James Cameron plugs the leak with whatever cash he happens to have on him—he’ll start on editing all existing footage that’s been captured of oil on the water, around the water and below the water.  As a true master of special effects, it shouldn’t take him long to turn one of the world’s largest natural disasters into a blockbusting movie which features boats, blue people and a well-laid Leonardo DiCaprio.

Wanna’ carpool?

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Aside

Kevin Costner is an awarding winning actor, successful philanderer and an intense environmental activist—Which was clearly evident in Field of Dreams when he slaughtered several acres of corn before using up oodles of gasoline while driving all over the damn … Continue reading

The Gulf of Mexicoil…

Offshore ocean sodomizer...

Oh Moses smell the roses—there is entirely too much fuggin’ oil in the Gulf of Mexicoil right night now.  The great white sharks probably look like Wesley Snipes at this point…

There has to be a solution to this problem, otherwise they wouldn’t be drilling out there, right?  In other words, surely BP Oil had considered all potential disasters and formulated an airtight plan for each one—ya know, before they went out into the middle of the sea and started sucking oil from the ocean’s basement  like a fat kid trying to take down a 42 oz. slurpee in record time…

Stephen Hawking says we shouldn’t try to contact aliens but I say ‘screw you smart man’, let’s give those bastards a buzz right now and see if they can rectify this shiz…?  Ya never know, some alien guy could have a wet-vac the size of Texas just sitting in his super galactic garage, collecting dust…

In the meantime, a big thanks to BP Oil for taking a lengthy piss in the pool…

-s