Category Archives: TV & Film Review

Aside

Bob Barker, the 86 year-old sexually active senior and former host of the TV game-show, The Price Is Right, recently made headlines when he criticized the show’s current host, Drew Carey (a non sexually active man in his 50’s). In … Continue reading

The Stuff—It’s All Over Your Face Fool…

On the docket today is The Stuff—one of the greatest piece of shit movies I’ve ever watched 10 times.

After happening upon a hole in the earth that was spewing a white gooey substance, a few miners who hadn’t had any female interaction in several months did the logical thing—they ate the shiz…As it turns out, the stuff was absolutely delicious and before long, grocery stores and bodegas were stocking their shelves with this mysterious and highly addictive mayonnaise of Mother Nature—Absolutely no FDA testing or approval was necessary throughout this entire process—I taste danger

Shortly thereafter, the stuff began dissolving the brains of those who snacked upon it—transforming them into Courtney Love/Zombie-like ass-holes…Some little bastard named Jason, who watched the stuff take the lives of his friends, family and Teddy Ruxpin doll—gets teamed up with the FBI in an effort to stop the tasty madness brought on by nature’s deadliest of money-shots…

A spoonful of The Stuff, helps the medicine go down...

đź‘ż If you want to know what happens next, you’ll just have to go buy a VCR from a yard sale before combing ebay for a copy of the film on VHS…After using your PayPal account to make the purchase, you’ll proceed to wait weeks for your copy of this horrendous flick to arrive.  You’ll watch it.  You’ll then contact me, telling me ‘to fuck myself’ because The Stuff didn’t meet your expectations—Since I’m a nice guy, I will agree to split the cost of your yard-sale VCR once I’ve made out with your wife (and it won’t be against her will, sorry)—Trust me, this is a fair deal…

PS—You could just buy the DVD—but let’s face it, some of the shittier classics are simply better on VHS…

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Reality Bites

Yellow is your color "Ocho ZERO"!

One cannot affix their eyes upon any television set these days without laying witness to the profuse amount of garbage on it.  To be more specific, reality dating T.V!   Flavor Flav, Brett Michaels, Terrell Owens and now Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, all seemed to have simultaneously jumped onto the “Mr. Sex” shit-show bandwagon.  Let’s face it, when the camera isn’t running, Ocho Cinco is.  Running a train, that is.  Probably on some bitch named “Suzie-Suck-Me” with his whole offensive line.  Can you say encroachment?  Nobody’s fooling nobody here.  It’s a damn orgy.  You might as well have Chad wearing a crown of Laurel leaves with a bunch of scantily clad vixens feeding him grapes and ass.

Yeah, that’s exactly what we all want to see, right?  Another millionaire who can’t get laid.  He needs Hollywood, because being Mr. Money bags and having a 12″ nightstick isn’t enough points on his score card alone.  I don’t know about you, but don’t ya think Chad could get the same results in the lobby of the Bellagio in Vegas?…What a putz.

What needs to be marketed is what people want to see—not what we are forced to see.  That my friends is what T.V. is doing to us—brainwash style (clean brains!)…Why don’t we have a show that has one average guy with about 2 weeks of facial growth, a $30k annual salary and a single bedroom apartment?  Couple that with 10 Mexican broads fighting over a chance to win him and their ticket to a green-card and bammm…success!  Viva los Estados Unidos!

So, put on your tight-slacked pajamas, fire on the DVR, pop some fucking corn and call everyone you know…Chad’s going long!

Twilight: Eclipse—Makes Pale Teeny-Boppers Cum In Droves…

Take a deep breath jack-ass...

Eclipse, the newest addition to the Twilight series broke some type of important record this past Wednesday, when it made about 30-million bucks at the midnight screenings in the U.S. and Canada.  Concession sales at those screenings however, were down about 95% due to the fact that people who go to Twilight screenings in the middle of the night, tend to snack on each other’s tits and necks during the movie.

Admission: I did watch the first Twilight and I was mildly entertained—although, this was following a tonsillectomy—and the liquid pain killers I was gulping essentially made any form of of TV or film perfectly acceptable.  I have an X-Box, DVD player, Net-Flix and free Internet-Porn at my disposal—yet the night after my surgery I watched the same metal-detector infomercial 3-times in a row while performing oral on a popsicle.

Although I can appreciate the storyline of Twilight and the actual film-making itself—it’s the SUPER FANS! that I’ll never understand…

*Note: Twi-Hards between the ages of 12 and 16 are excused from my mockery…It’s the adults who are truly worrisome…

Dear Twi-Hard (Tit-Head),

Settle down, It’s just another vampire movie—not exactly a brand new concept…Folks with the money and know-how simply slapped a new paint job on an age-old pile of shit before shining it up and selling it to your scrawny blanched ass.  I agree that the film-direction is impressive and the plot is intriguing—but I’m baffled as to why Twilight is causing grown men and women to deprive themselves of food and sunlight while conducting Edward Cullen masturbation-marathons in their homemade caskets.

Halt your unsettling ways of douche-baggery while you still can!

Bite Me,

Ron-Yves Strouteau

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Aside

Grudge much?  It was just a flick fellas’… 10 duplicitous Russians were arrested over the past two days due to their alleged roles in a long-term, deep-cover espionage operation.  The secret agents were conducting business in several locations throughout the … Continue reading

Aside

Quick rant about a guy that gets laid more than I do… How girls find this man sexy is beyond male comprehension.  It’s not jealousy…its stupidity.  Come on ladies, if you’re going to go Ga Ga over a guy shouldn’t … Continue reading

Aside

Do you watch the Food Network like I do?  Well, I think this picture speaks for itself…