Category Archives: Uncategorized

Reality Bites

Yellow is your color "Ocho ZERO"!

One cannot affix their eyes upon any television set these days without laying witness to the profuse amount of garbage on it.  To be more specific, reality dating T.V!   Flavor Flav, Brett Michaels, Terrell Owens and now Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, all seemed to have simultaneously jumped onto the “Mr. Sex” shit-show bandwagon.  Let’s face it, when the camera isn’t running, Ocho Cinco is.  Running a train, that is.  Probably on some bitch named “Suzie-Suck-Me” with his whole offensive line.  Can you say encroachment?  Nobody’s fooling nobody here.  It’s a damn orgy.  You might as well have Chad wearing a crown of Laurel leaves with a bunch of scantily clad vixens feeding him grapes and ass.

Yeah, that’s exactly what we all want to see, right?  Another millionaire who can’t get laid.  He needs Hollywood, because being Mr. Money bags and having a 12″ nightstick isn’t enough points on his score card alone.  I don’t know about you, but don’t ya think Chad could get the same results in the lobby of the Bellagio in Vegas?…What a putz.

What needs to be marketed is what people want to see—not what we are forced to see.  That my friends is what T.V. is doing to us—brainwash style (clean brains!)…Why don’t we have a show that has one average guy with about 2 weeks of facial growth, a $30k annual salary and a single bedroom apartment?  Couple that with 10 Mexican broads fighting over a chance to win him and their ticket to a green-card and bammm…success!  Viva los Estados Unidos!

So, put on your tight-slacked pajamas, fire on the DVR, pop some fucking corn and call everyone you know…Chad’s going long!

Welcome to Wal-Mart

Ready to retire 30 years ago!

I felt the need to express some feelings that I believe we all undergo when subjecting ourselves to a lower budget lifestyle.  I’m talking about Wal-Mart shopping at its finest.  Prime time “Bull-Shit”.

First,  lets start in the parking lot.  To be quite blunt, I’m sick of the damn out of state-ers crossing state lines for a tax break.  What does their state offer me?  Sports teams you say?  Yeah maybe, but I’ll give it ten to one odds that on the way home I either get lost, get into a car accident, or get intentionally misguided by some Masshole sitting on a park bench eating a frankfurter wearing a “Yankees Suck” tee.

Second, am I the only one that feels awkward about the whole doorman thing?  When that guy says “Welcome to Wal-Mart” either you ignore the poor bastard or you say “Thanks”.  Here’ s the problem: You don’t want to be in that crappy store anyway.  Your mission is to get in, get out and get on—and I’m sorry, but the guy at the door greeting me is starting to become a pain in my ass.  You know his smile is fake…and so is yours.  I need a razor, compass, and a box of diapers grandpa.  Get the hell outta my way.

“Save Money, Live Better” is their slogan.  Here’s another problem.  When was the last time you ever spent money and saved?  Last time I checked when I spent 10 bucks no one deposited shit into my account.  I’m sure that Dr. Max Yestronaut would agree to that.  Yes they do sell for less, however I can’t walk out of there without spending 50 bucks at a time—and, when you look in the bag, it looks like you came from a friggin flea-market!  Nothing makes sense, shit’s all mixed up and you don’t even know what the hell you bought!  You end up staring at the receipt for a half hour saying “I bought that shit”?

Lastly, how about those checkout lines?   My favorite, hands down, is the self-checkout line.  Have you seen some of these challenged people operating these machines?  My God!  And to think…they drove here?  Really, what is so hard about it?  Scan, swipe your card, throw your shit in a bag and get on already.  Some people stare at these things like it’s the damn Rosetta Stone and they’re trying to “crack the code”.  Meanwhile, I’m in line hitting the boiling point ready to “crack their skull”.  The irony here is the person who can’t operate a self-checkout machine probably has a six figured income and drives a $50,000 car.

Now, if you will all excuse me, I gotta go buy some Jergens, tweezers, and a plunger—I got a big one brewing.

Lebrommy’s Newest To-Do List?

*Note: The Timberland Boot-knocking tales we’ve been hearing about Delonte ‘The Great Teammate’ West and Gloria ‘Lebrommy‘ James may or may not be total hearsay—for the Hell of it, let’s just assume they’re 100% accurate…It’s way more fun this way…

YOU MAKE THE CALL: Lebron James is now a member of the Miami Heat—Which of these gentleman will be the first to commit ‘Lebrodomy’ on Gloria? Side Note: This particular brand of sex features a halftime show, a stacked concession-stand and a cokehead mascot who’s dunking from a trampoline…

Wade a minute Gloria...

Dwayne Wade: He’s been the face of the franchise since 2003 but will see less of the limelight in 2010-11 due to the yawning shade provided by Lebron’s morbidly obese balls and ego…Gloria could potentially be seduced by D-Wade once his inevitable jealousy sets in…Will Wade, who’s also known as The Flash, be the first to double-dribble on Lebrommy’s hot-flashes?  Think it over…

Oshkosh b'gosh Bosh!

Chris Bosh: When you’re a 6’10” black Texan with dreadlocks living in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, Our Attic—life isn’t always easy.  I’m sure there are times when he feels like a fish out of oil.  People up there are probably afraid this dude is going to break into the Hockey Hall of Fame and turn the Stanley Cup into a bong.  Let’s face it, the high school hockey players up there get more ass than Bosh does—he’s itching to spend some more time in America, where the women are eager to throw their panties and bulletproof vests at professional basketball players—You never know, Lebrommy may just put a sweaty headlock on those heady dreadlocks…

Shhhhhhhh---please don't tell your son...

Pat Riley: It’s very possible—If Lebron isn’t getting the job done on the court, than Riley is gonna’ have to light a fire under his ass.  The 65 year-old head coach of the Miami Heat may just have to sleep with Lebrommy in order to send a message to his marquee superstar—let’s not forget folks, basketball is a business after all.  Also known as ‘Coach Slick’,  look for Riley to hit the hardwood with Gloria right from the opening zipper and tip-off…

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July 4, 1776—The Birth Of A M E R I C A…

Here’s how it all went down…

The Water Broke—>>See ya around Great Britain—We just ate our last cucumber sandwich…

Hours of intense labor and stellar penmanship ensued…

A 16 year-old kid could text this entire document to a buddy in less than 20-seconds...

Finally—>>It’s a perfectly healthy little country!!!

Happy Independence Day ya’ll 🙂

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How many flavors of “shave” do we need?

Hairy men, rejoice!

For the most part, everyone in their life will pick up and use a razor at some point.  So, I thought it fitting to yuck it up a bit on the many exorbitant amounts of razors on the market today.  We’ve come along way from the good ol’ straight razor.  From Bics to electrics, people have done extremely well carving Jack-O-Lanterns out of  their own facial features with these tools of torture.

Progress has been made with the newer merchandise that is available, but when is enough enough already?  Single, double, and triple blades?  Are we shaving or playing baseball here?  Gillette just went for the Home Run with its new Fusion Proglide.  I haven’t used it yet, but I’m assuming it boasts a diesel motor with pull-start based off of how things are progressing.  Proglide now has four fucking blades!—Wahoooo!!!…and they’re thinner with a  high-tech “bullshit” coating and a comfort strip.  Just a quick thought off topic here: Maybe some big-wig somewhere will implement a comfort strip in my frigging underwear.  That way when its 90 degrees with a humidity level that could kill a camel, I’ll be able to walk normal.

And how about those price tags?  You can now tell what kind of income a man makes based off his shave.  Five 0′ clock shadow you say? Under $30,000 annually for sure.  No man in his right mind is willing to donate an organ just to be the proud owner of a high-tech shave.  It’s complete thievery.

Soon we’ll be graduating to razor blades that resemble mini light sabers.  I can see it now…not one, not two, but three strobes of light! Yes!!!!   And the irony of the whole thing is, the straight razor is still the closest and oldest shave you can get. Check out this guy in the video. He’s definitely full of it.

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Dude-Guy

Tee-Shirt by "Osh Gosh"

To follow-up on the big sunglasses post, I decided to be politically correct and bash the male side of stupidity.

We’ve all seen the classic “Dude-Guy” in the overly tight shirt at that local bar that thinks he’s about to stun the world with his boisterous biceps.  Let’s clear things up, being physically fit is a great attribute for anyone’s personal repertoire.

With that said, do you really need to purchase clothing that was on the little-boy’s clearance rack?  You might as well paint the damn Abercrombie logo directly on your chest and “rock” to the club that way.  Then, maybe you’ll finally win that tightest tee award that doesn’t exist.  If by chance it’s not an overly tight tee they’re sporting, it’s usually an overly annoying button-up.  Yeah, this one’s complete bullshit.  Seriously, some of these shirt designs look like wallpaper schemes from the early 70’s.  They suck.

Lines upon colors, upon stripes, upon collars.  Collars…big collars…that are popped up.  Here’s some simple math for ya… Collars up = Thumbs down Jack!  And pink?  That’s another no-go.  Not on a guy anyway. If you’re looking to get in touch with your feminine side then go find a female… and you’re done.  Just skip the shitty pink polo (please).

For the icing on the cake, the hair styles are out of control too.  Guys, you’re not a Japanese cartoon.  So, stop wearing your hair like you’re the main character from Pokemon.  This isn’t the next casting for “Jersey Shore” and you’re not “The Situation”.  So get over yourself, save some money, and throw away the LA-Looks…

And, if you’re still confused about who I’m referring to try this:

The next time you’re at a bar, or the beach find the girl with the huge-ass sunglasses.  Dude-Guy will undoubtedly have his greasy talons all over her.

And there you have it…2 peas in a pod!

Aside

Question: Why the hell do women continue to believe that large sunglasses are cool?  What are you too cheap to rub some sunblock on?  This has been an ongoing phenomenon for a few years now, and something tells me that … Continue reading