Category Archives: World Cup 2010

World Cup Of Soccer 2010—RIP…

It’s finally over—We offer up our sincerest congratulations to whoever the Hell won it!

Even the trophy lost interest 2-weeks ago...

Felicidades Spainiards! 🙂

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World Cup Of Poetry…

Soccer Limerick 6/25/2010

There once were some men and a ball

Every 4 or 5 seconds they’d fall

They would lay on the turf

Just like sweaty gay Smurfs

Soccer sucks like a huge bag of Halls

Hall-Bag...

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Danes & Cameroonians—World Cupdate (6/19/2010)

Earlier this year, Denmark and Cameroon held tryouts for potential roster spots on this year’s World Cup soccer squad—not surprisingly, nobody showed up.  Both countries were hence forced to send their top high-school soccer organizations to South Africa to compete in this year’s tournament—They square off today at 2:00pm (EST).

Soccer officials have stated that ‘…in the event of a tie game at the end of regulation—Cameroon’s President and the Queen of Denmark will engage in rough ‘competitive sex’ to determine the victor…’

We have no idea what ‘competitive sex‘ is—but we are hoping for a tie…

Things that will happen at today’s soccer game…

  • A grown man will get kicked in the shin—then he’ll cry…
  • A Danish dude will sprain his ankle while stepping on a Cameroonian’s genitalia…
  • Denmark’s head-coach will frost his tips during half-time…
  • The referee will wear a downright obnoxious shirt…
  • Over 2,500-fans will get shit-faced and lose their children…
  • Cameroon’s head-coach will rapidly jabber off a 10-minute pep-talk that not even his players will understand…
  • Each goaltender will have a Gameboy in one hand the entire game…

Potential live updates forthcoming…

2:27pm—The National Anthem ceremonies are underway and it’s already clear to me that Denmark has the nicest hair in tournament…

2:28pm—One of Denmark’s top players is wearing a scarf—Undoubtedly an age-old Danish intimidation tactic…

2:30pm—Female Cameroon fan gives birth to octoplets while purchasing an Italian-ice.  She is subsequently escorted from the premises by stadium security—She thus proceeds to sell two of those kids while using the money to buy another 6 tickets from a nearby scalper.  The family is now cheering on the Cameroonian team from the stadium’s upper-deck…

2:33pm—Cameroon’s socks may ultimately prohibit me from actually watching this game…

2:45pm—Cameroon strikes early thanks to some terrible play by the Danes.  Some guy that reeks of Paul Mitchell products made an ass out of himself on national television, practically handing a goal to the Cam-Cams—look for his blond wife to call her blond divorce-lawyer in the event of a Denmark loss…

3:05pm—The Danes tie the game on a very nice goal…Not nice enough though—I’m leaving to go to a BBQ  🙂

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The Crepes vs. The Burritos—World Cupdate (6/17/2010)

The Arizona, I’m sorry—Mexican soccer team tunnels their way back onto the field this afternoon to take on the slick, snooty offense of the French Nationale! team.  Our source in South Africa tells us that, “…the Mexican squad is composed of 22 players—but that number could actually double by half-time…” We’ve been unable to contact him since he made that statement in an effort to clarify just what in the Hell he was talking about…

Personally, I’m rooting for Mexico…They’re our neighbors, our friends and let’s face it—they’re not French…

Vuvuzela...

Game Predictions…

  • The field will be littered with some of the creepiest & sneakiest mustaches known to man…
  • Perhaps foreshadowing my inevitable slumber 10-minutes into the match—the Mexican squad will feature a plethora of names ending in the letter Zzzzzzzz…
  • After goals and substitutions, many of the French players will literally make-out with one another (Don’t be shocked if you witness a reach-around or two after someone scores)…
  • After goals and substitutions, many of the Mexican players will either tattoo or shank one another…
  • The French goalkeeper will complete several Sudoku puzzles before the contest is over…
  • Someone—doesn’t really matter who—is going to get a  Vuvuzela snapped off in their ass after someone scores…

Potential live updates forthcoming…

2:25pm—In an effort to speed up the process—The French and Mexican national anthems are played simultaneously…It actually sounds pretty good…

2:44pm—A French player, whose white socks go all the way up to his balls, hammered a shot that narrowly missed the net by 47-feet…

2:56pm—A drunken Mexican fan who’s 3-times over the legal limit, falls out of the upper-deck while taking a picture with their cell-phone camera…

3:06pm—The referee’s shirt continues to burn my retina…(Fra 0 Mex 0)

3:28pm—Mexico’s coach offers Reese’s peanut butter cups to the first person to get a shot on net…(0-0)

3:35pm—Some of the players are now bringing folding chairs and air-mattresses onto the field…(0-0)

3:41pm—M e x i g o a l!   Distracted while shopping for silk blouses on his Droid—French goalie let’s in the first goal of the game…(Fra 0 Mex 1)

3:43pm—A fight breaks out on the Mexican bench as the player who scored didn’t receive the peanut butter cup that he was promised…(Fra 0 Mex 1)

3:59pm—It’s all over but the crying for France as Mexico strikes again, this time on a penalty shot.  The Mexican shooter had the difficult task of scoring on the world’s largest net from 5-feet away—my old Cabbage Patch Kid could score from there, pleeease…(Fra 0 Mex 2)

4:15pm—Defeated, team France helps each other with those ‘hard to reach areas’ as they ponder their loss in the Eiffel Shower…

Final Score: France 0 Mexico 2

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Shhhoccer Update (Germans vs. Australians) 6/13/2010

Men from Germany and Australia just began kicking balls at each other’s tits as the second game of the day is officially under way.  Like a school-yard scrap between Adolf Hitler & Crocodile Dundee, this match-up is sure to be chalk-full of ball-clutching and racial tension.

Adding fuel to the Foreman, an unidentified member of the Australian faction has reportedly taken a shot at the German team, when he referred to them as a “bunch of bitches…” during a radio interview yesterday morning…

Our source captured this image during Germany’s practice yesterday, perhaps confirming the Aussie’s allegations…

*It should also be noted that Ghana beat Serbia early today by a score of 1-0…I didn’t report on the match because I spent the whole time combing the internet for definitive proof that either of those two are actually a country…

Live Update—2:15pm 6/13/2010—Not moved by the National Anthem ceremonies whatsoever—I began watching an episode of Senfeld that I’d DVRed a few nights ago, thus missing the start of the game…

Live Update—2:23pm—Australia friggin’ sucks…(sorry Loon)

Live Update—2:33pm—More grown men with bright yellow shoes and hair-gel continue to roll around on the field like idiots…

Live Update—2:51pm—The 3rd-Reich strikes first as some German bastard kicks the damn ball into the fuggin’ net…(Ger 1 Aus 0)

Live Update—2:55pm—Rather than pulling out a yellow or a red card—The referee attempts to use Tarot-Cards to predict the game’s final score so everyone can just go ahead and leave…(Ger 1 Aus 0)

Live Update—3:05pm—Germany scores again.  The Australian goalie is distracted as a drunken female fan from Germany fires bottle-rockets from each ear while flashing her testicles…(Ger 2 Aus 0)

Live Update—3:44pm—Three SS Soldiers confront a man from Alice Springs, Australia as he purchases a frankfurter…He is abducted and most likely will never be seen again…His buddy is still waiting for his friggin’ hot-dog…

Live Update—3:48pm—It’s 3-0 Germany…?  They must have scored while I was looking for something better to watch…(Ger 3 Aus 0)

Live Update—3:53pm—The only black dude in Germany scores to make it 4-0…A depleted Aussie squad regrets referring to the Germans as ‘bitches’…(Ger 4 Aus 0)

Final Score—(Ger 4 Aus 0)

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World Cupdate (Algeria vs. Slovenia) 6/13/2010

Upon waking this morning, I procured my usual iced-coffee and proceeded to flip on the telly—delighted to see another soccer game unfolding before my eyes.  Fearing I had slept through the entire match, I was relieved when I discovered that I’d only missed the warm-up (aka, the first 75-minutes of the game).

Things I noticed right off the hop…

  • More ass-holes with even bigger air-horns are present at today’s affair…
  • There’s not one respectable hair-cut on the Algerian squad…
  • The biggest dude on Slovenia is 5’7” 163-lbs…
  • There’s a huge shadow on the field that’s pissing me off…
  • The Algerian squad accidentally ordered youth-medium sized jerseys…
  • The grass has already grown 2¾-inches since the opening kick-off…
  • The ball is still round…

Live Update—8:47am 6/13/2010A man with yellow shoes laid on the field and held his shin for 5½-minutes…I closer camera angle revealed that he was merely buying himself some time to do a little text-messaging…

Live Update—8:55amThe referee has given himself a yellow-card for having a pedifile’s mustache…

Live Update—8:57amSlovenia’s coach orders take-out…

Live Update—9:00am—One of the Algerian players thought about taking a shot—the crowd went fuggin’ crazy

Live Update—9:03amGooooooooooholy-shit it’s about time!  Slovenia has broken the zip-zip deadlock…England’s goaltender, who is apparently a dual-citizen in the UK & Algeria—just let in his second bull-shit goal of the tourney as my niece squeaked another molasses-ball into the net…(Alg 0 Slv 1)

Final Score—(Alg 0 Slv 1)

Other Notables—>>35 women gave birth in the stands during the game…31 children were conceived in various stadium restrooms…12 people shanked…Roughly 3,500 wallets stolen…27-gallons of bodily fluids exchanged…12 Algerian fans committed suicide…

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World Cup 2010: Inside The Actor’s Studio…

Here’s a quick update of what’s been happening thus far at the World Cup of Exciting Soccer…

  • 4 games have been completed with a total of 5 goals having been scored already.  This is far more offense than I’d expected—Soccer fans everywhere are partially erect
  • The Argentinian players are prone to kissing one another when a good play or substitution is being made…
  • There is some ass-hole in the crowd with an air-horn that won’t shut the hell up…
  • Players are constantly diving, acting, pretending to fall down and generally acting like their testicles just exploded every time another player grazes them.  It’s quite absurd at this point—They might be tricking the referees but I’m watching the shiz in HD and in slow-motion—can’t pull the wool over my eyes fool…
  • The field itself, is bigger than Rhode Island…
  • The colossal genitals of team Nigeria are undoubtedly hindering their speed…
  • Uruguay played France to a 0-0 tie and not even the players’ parents were the least bit proud…
  • Serbia is preparing to play Ghana tomorrow afternoon—The prostitutes in and around the soccer stadiums have already made more money than the national economies of Ghana and Serbia do in a year…

For more informative updates on the World Cup—you should probably find a different website 🙂

Live Update—3:00pm  6/12/10—Another goal has been scored, as some hooligan from Liverpool actually kicked the ball into the United States’ net (the nerve of those bastards)…America’s goalie was hashing out The Jumble when the ball rolled passed him, before explaining to a teammate, “I didn’t realize the shit had started…” (Eng 1 US 0)

Wow—3:15pm–The big bad effin’ Americans have tied the contest on a shot that looked as though it left the foot of my 6-year old niece.  While snacking on a cucumber-wrap, England’s goalie watched a painfully slow-rolling ball make it’s way across the goal line.  If the Redcoats blow this one, rest assured that poor Limey-goalie is gonna’ get his pale ass kicked when he returns home...  (Eng 1 US 1)

Close Call—3:37pm—A gentleman from England kicked the ball in the general direction of America’s goal…  (Eng 1 US 1)

Final Score—Eng 1 US 1

I believe I can fly...

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