Tag Archives: Alcohol

A Sandy Lip-Tuck To Your Navel Academy…

I’m doing the unthinkable—I’m posting one of our blog’s pages right in your damn face…What can I say?—I’m in the mood to regurgitate stuff that you don’t enjoy…genius!

…but there’s more to it than just that.  Since this blog’s conception, the Spanky Trash section of STS.com has always been my favorite feature—and I’m proud to report that after 4 months, about 45 people have actually clicked on it —In other words, ‘the shit is fucking viral baby…’

In all honesty though—Last night I was reading over some of this material while eating a bowl of Cheerios and laughed hard enough to displace cereal into my nasal cavity, which I then inhaled and choked on—before tripping over a roller-skate and whacking my face off a hot iron that was being held by a horny wolverine named Chip…Things progressed further downhill from there….

What the hell is ‘Spanky Trash’?

‘Spanky Trash’ can easily be summed up—>>It’s a highly sophisticated form of rhetoric that has Dutch roots, however it’s more distinctive qualities were honed in Hudson, NH—not far from The Blue Moon—-These odd nuggets of literary discharge are to be utilized as quick verbal retorts targeted at misbehaving assholes.  Their intent is to confuse and bewilder your adversary, rendering them hesitant to respond in any manner…This will leave you the option to either walk away in peace—or walk away with his or her girlfriend…Regardless, here is a very small sample of what we’ve come to know as ”Spanky Trash’…’94

Here’s how it works:  Someone acts up in your presence and you could say something like, “ Hey buddy,  settle down or else I’ll give ya—>>

…the vintage heel-drop to your wife’s collard spleen

…a 3-fisted thrust lunge to your time sensitive material

…a fortified bag of elbow grease to the back of your ham-hocks

…Some Mandatory Mahogany to ya lemon coated lucy-lips

…A fresh five finger sailor salute to ya shiver me timbers

…a 6-pack of ‘shakedown’ to your withered gray tits

…a well placed jump-kick to your augmented breasts

…a galvanized thigh-shot that shakes loose a ball

…an unforeseen towel-snap to your taint’n tip

…some rock hard redemption to ya’ school of hard cocks

…a reversed bag-clutch to your sea-salted waistline

…some spicy 4-fisted trauma to your rubba’-lips

…I’ll corn-chip your buck-teeth & put ya’ on Frito Lay-away

…I’ll offer you the final endeavor while denying you reason

…a double-breasted squat-thrust tea-baggin’ your sinus infection

…the sirloin chop n’ shop to your varicose grape-nuts…

*List has been slightly condensed for tax purposes— click here fo’ mo’ ūüôā List can be updated at the request of you and your pimp…

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Rocky Mountain Retards!

This can is defective...Rockies are not blue and its in the snow!

Disclaimer: In no way is this post meant to target, ridicule, or cast slander towards people with physical or mental disabilities.  Instead, it is meant to cast slander towards ridiculous marketing schemes and bull-shit gimmicks!

Freezing---I wonder if that's cold?

So, apparently Coors has decided to market an idea based on the assumption that everyone has been recently deprived of their sense of touch. Why the hell would you spend money on producing a cold activated can to alert your consumers that their beer is in fact cold?¬† I don’t know about you, but I’ve never said to myself —“Shit, I can’t tell if my beer is cold!¬† We need a tool to help us with this.”¬† No…we don’t!¬† We already have one you assholes!¬† It’s called our hands…

Here’s a thought: How about I dip my fist into a cooler full of ice and give you a cold-activated crack in the facials for coming up with such a shitty idea?¬† Since I’m going to use my hands anyway while I drink the damn thing, doesn’t it make sense just to touch the fucking thing to see if its warm or cold before I crack her open?

So cold---Maybe that's cold?

And if that’s not quite enough, Coors has gone even further by creating a ‘cold activation window’ on the box.¬† This is so you can see if those Rockies are blue just before you rip the box from the fridge and bust into it like a 5-year-old with ADHD on Christmas morning!¬† Put it this way, wait a few hours…and the shit’s cold.¬† Then, if you decide to peer into that magical little window and the Rockies aren’t blue yet—you have bigger problems.¬† In this case, your fridge is probably busted and warm beer is the least of your worries.

I will say this—The cooler bag is probably their best idea to date.¬† At least it serves a function.¬† Ironically, I’ve never seen a cold cooler bag.¬† They’re always on an end cap—warm as balls cinched in a pair of tight BVD’s.

What are we to do with warm cooler bags?¬† Stuff them with ice?¬† There’s no damn room!¬† Put them inside a cooler?¬† A cooler inside a cooler?¬† It’s like wooden Russian dolls only with beer, not to mention your overall cost goes up with the added bullshit…

Bottom line…screw the gimmicks—Beer sells itself!

As for myself—gimme a Labatts, a handjob, and a hockey game—I’m out…

-Sampsonianslumber

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