Tag Archives: Food

Our Doors Are Closing Tightly—For 7 Days…

Tomorrow morning I’m getting on a plane  and flying southward—taking direct aim on hurricane Earl’s weathery crotch…

Planes are always a fun time though—Just like anyone else, I enjoy being crammed next to a couple of sweaty donkeys on a winged metal capsule of stress, fear, tension, crying babies, claustrophobia and gay stewards on the brink of insanity—as we hurdle through the sky at about 500-mph.

The best way to cope with all of these variables?  Do what I do. What do I do?  This is what I do…

I'll be reading this book, aloud---for most of the flight...

Sick of obnoxious passengers?  Surpass them all instead…

First, I’ll wear something that’s not only frighteningly tight—but also velvet.  I’ll be donning bright white, hi-top sneakers and a fake gold chain that disappears into my exposed throw-rug of wavy breast hair.  My head hair?  It too will be perfect…

When the peanuts and pretzels are provided, I will proceed to eat them with my mouth open while talking loudly to my neighbors about highly uninteresting bull-shit.  If I see a man using one of those tiny pillows, I will promptly inform him that he’s officially gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

I will also drink V-8 with plenty of ice and those who cast dirty looks my way will find themselves blinded by all of those veggies and antioxidants.  Then I’ll wait for my neighbors to fall asleep, only to wake them because I need to get up and use the restroom—which especially ticks them off because I’ll have the aisle seat…

Much Thanks 🙂

~Ron-Yves Strouteau

The following are some of our earlier posts—that nobody (except Bearman) read…Enjoy!

I Just Puked In My Mouth…(Quick snippet inspired by the Octomom)

Unaware Of Underwear Inflation…(Dr. Max Yestronaut’s frustrating account of an underwear-shopping endeavor)

He Came—He Danced—He Had Intercourse With The Hottest Girl In School…(Outdated film review of rug-cutting classic, Footloose)

Raq-Hell yeah I Would…(5 days from now, I’ll officially want to have sex with a 70 year-old woman)

A Terrible Tumble…(Dr. Max Yestronaut doing his part to make sure some mascot will never ‘live it down’)

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Aside

Calling all viewers of the Food Network… On June 17th we drew comparisons to Food Network stalwarts Guy Fieri and Anne Burrell (Gal Fieri)—They’re related, OK?—No man, woman or DNA-testing is going to tell me otherwise!  Regardless, the friggin’ Fieri-plot … Continue reading

I Scream, You Scream—The ATM Screams For Ice-Cream…

The New England Weather Update?It’s 177 fuckin’ degrees!—It’s hotter than Satan’s wife and as muggy as the space between Kirstie Alley’s multi-acred bum-cheeks—My apologies for that visual, but I don’t mince words when discussing matters of humidity…

Upon returning home from a quick 2-day work venture to Albany, NY (greenly disarming the air-conditioner before my departure) I was shocked to find that my apartment had morphed into some type of steamy Turkish schvitz in less than 48 hours—in fact, some sweaty dude in his late 60’s just walked out of my kitchen wearing nothing but a towel and frankly, I’m a little irritated…

My weapon of choice when battling such hellish conditions as these?—Ice-cream sundaes fool…However, the current weather is really striking a chord with my post-Floridian self (I’m actually writing this from inside my fridge, just until the AC catches it’s breath)—and not just any old ice-cream sundae is gonna’ cut it this time…

I need a sundae that has Tahitian vanilla ice-cream with additional flavoring from those sultry vanilla beans of Madagascar—I want a sundae that includes exotic candied French fruit, Caribbean cocoa, Marzipan cherries, Grand Passion Caviar and freekin’ gold damn it—I want this thing to be served in a shwanky crystal goblet and most importantly, I want it to cost me $1,000.oo please…

The Golden Opulence Sundae (What I Want)

(Source of Sundae Sorcery)

Can’t afford it?  Montel Williams has your back 🙂

That medical bill?  Paid—The car?  Fixed—The Golden Opulence Sundae?  In your frackin mouth chief…

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Aside

Amid speculation that Ronald McDonald would be retiring from the limelight, a McDonalds spokesperson announced quite the contrary.  Recent pressure from health advocacy groups has sparked a furious debate as to whether Ronald McDonald is responsible for encouraging unhealthy food … Continue reading

Aside

A couple of things catch my eye in this video, mainly Salma Hayek’s perfect face and daring center-parted hairdo.  I could listen to her say the word ‘karaoke’ all day long.  The other thing I noticed was Rachael Ray’s sandpaper … Continue reading

The Poutine Championship of the World…

Heaven

World poutine-eating contest to be held in Toronto. Yes, that’s right. T.O.

By Andy Blatchford (CP) – Apr 15, 2010

“You must use a fork, so there’s going to be certainly some skill involved,” said Mike Antolini, a spokesman for the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

For most of you, Poutine is the best thing you’ve never eaten.  If you haven’t tasted it for yourself, than I suggest you start an intensive search of all eateries within a 5 mile radius of your home while spiraling outward until you’ve located an establishment that offers a legit version.  Invented somewhere in Quebec by a skinny person, it simply consists of french fries, cheese curds and brown gravy…

It’s hard to believe a dish so fattening, so high in cholesterol and so ripe with calories has yet to be accepted into the mainstream cuisine of America—the country that recently blazed a culinary trail with the highly anticipated new hoagie from KFC, the Double Down Sandwich…2 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of cheese, 2 pieces of chicken and 2 hours on a public toilet with tears in your eyes and a shredded USA Today at your feet…

*To read the rest of that article, just click on that delicious poutine picture up there eh.