Tag Archives: New Hampshire

Planes, Dachshunds & Killer Whales…(I’m Alive)

The crack staff over at United Airlines...

The Flight To Florida…

I sat next to the Satan Family on the way down—a quietly loud-mouthed family of frackin’ four that featured a rubber-lipped Gummy-Bear junkie of a son and a ‘Tom Hanks with C-cups’ looking Mom who was more than willing to fill the little monster’s mouth with Gummy-Goods the entire flight (I bet you a buck his bowel movements bounce like a bastard)…

The father seemed like an OK guy—except his shorts were just about too short and his legs looked like dead Christmas trees…and if it weren’t for the fact the he appeared to be breast-feeding their other son for the entire flight, I probably wouldn’t have given him a second look, let alone thrown a glass of V-8 right in his face…

It’s OK, I had asked for the whole can of V-8—I had V-8 to spare

The Florida in Florida…

It was 31 years in the making—but I finally made it to Sea World 🙂

While exploring Sea World’s aquatic chambers of sea-sex and salty sins—I turned around, only to find Shamu—dropping his cotton Dockers and flashing his Killer Whanker at me—One of several shocked witnesses snapped the following picture of my reaction to the ordeal…

Due to that Florida sun---I wasn't wearing anything from the waist down that day---This photo has been cropped for your safety...

Before long, I found myself 30-miles offshore on a deep-sea fishing expedition where I proceeded to hook and land the rare and majestic Sea Dachshund (Dachshund of the Sea)

Bonkers...

The Flight Home…

The best flight of my life, hands down.  I was the lone passenger on a flight being tended to by this stewardess (she completed a 3-year stint in a women’s prison just minutes before takeoff)…

Turbulence.

In closing, a confused gentleman from China took my bag right off the baggage claim’s carousel, thinking it was his—he apparently made it all the way to his hotel and was probably wearing my underwear (on his head) before realizing that he’d grabbed the wrong luggage…

I was home by then—in the bathtub, listening to Midnight Oil on vinyl and crying on a cheesecake when I got the call from an angel working for United-Air saying that my bag had been recovered…

According to her, the gentleman’s actual bag was a different color, material and style than mine 🙂

-Ron-Yves Strouteau

PS – What did I miss?

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Medieval Mothers & Trapper Keepers—(A Useless 2-Part Post)

Annihilating testicles since 1486...

♥  You’ll love part 1 ♥

Some women carry mace and some women carry pistols—Some women possess brass knuckles and some women possess brass nipples—Some learn Karate and some purchase taser guns—Some hide cross-bows in their enormous fucking purses while others stash blow-dart guns in their cleavage…

In a day and age where loathsome scallywags dubiously roam the mean streets of southern New Hampshire, women need to protect themselves, their families and their shoes by any means necessary–-That’s why some women are now carrying swords in their frackin’ backpacks…Right?

I snapped this picture today as I was meandering downtown to run an errand (meet my pimp)…Obviously, my camera has a photographic memory…

Hockey-hair---no sleeves---and a backpack harboring a sword---my kind of woman...

Fictional Limerick About These 2

A Mother, a sword and her boy

As it turns out, the sword was a toy

So I round-housed the Mommy

Subdued little Johnny

And ran off with his last Chip Ahoy

♥ You’ll enjoy part 2 ♥

Dr. Max Yestronaut, the sporadic Tight-Slacks contributor and closeted pilates instructor, recently began performing open-mic stand-up comedy gigs in Boston and New Hampshire after a few months of attending an improv-comedy class amidst his premature attempt at retirement…

From time to time, Dr. Max and I will get together to toss around ideas and 1-liners for his act.  Last weekend he stopped by for a quick brainstorming-session—and I laughed my ass off when I saw what he’s currently using to organize his comedic-material…

Mint condition, circa 1986…

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It’s true—the Trapper Keeper (an organizational-aphrodisiac), or as we called it back in elementary school, the Snapper Trapper—was one of the only ways for a 2nd-grade boy to do the sex in the 80’s…

I got my first Trapper Keeper when I was 7 and coincidentally received my first blow-job 25-minutes later…By year’s end, the Keeper was brimming with sexually explicit Valentine’s cards and crayon-drawn nude self-portraits of the school’s finest vixens…

*100% of what I just said was 95% bull-shit—the other 5% is truthfully rated X…

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The Story Of DON—One Ripping Good Yarn Indeed….

Pull up another chair—it’s go-time…

Let’s call it 12ish years ago—I had a strange job at local golf course here in southern New Hampshire, my official job title was Night Waterer (almost sounds super-heroish eh?)—well it wasn’t…The golfing facility, which actually consists of two different 18-hole courses, 3 practice holes and 2 separate driving ranges, was built in 1959 and sits on the Massachusetts boarder, nestled along side of the majestic and pee-ridden Merrimack Rivah’…

The Merrimack River is actually what kept the grass alive at the time, serving as the course’s main source of water for the irrigation system, which wasn’t tied into the city’s water supply—Instead we used a large diesel powered pump (about the size of your El Camino), which sat near the riverbank, drawing water into the pipes, thus irrigating a large portion of the 375-acre property…

Generally, I worked all night with one other person—who happened to be a good friend of mine.  When he left, another good friend of mine took over and the good times kept rolling—But when that friend got shit-canned, they hired some dude named Don—damn ye Don…

Before Don arrived, my nights were filled with SEGA Genesis, fishing, street-hockey, cart-racing, night-golfing etc. etc.—now I had to train some dude in his late 60’s how to do all that, in addition to tackling his usual irrigation duties…I knew it was going to be a shit-show from the start—How do you train someone to do jack-all when they spend their entire night taking constant piss-breaks in between hourly naps?

—>>Summer of 2000ish—2ish in the morning<<—

After several unsuccessful attempts to reach Don on his walki-talkie, I mounted my electric golf cart, floored her and banged a hard left into the night—searching for the old chap and fearing the worst…Eventually, I located him in the office of the course’s maintenance facility (alive). He was sitting on a leather office chair, with his feet on another one, a wrinkled hand on his old balls, wearing elastic-waisted dungarees with a matching denim coat—the poor old bastard was out cold…Sleeping as soundly as a fat guy after tantric sex with Mrs. Butterworth on a bed made of brisket…

I sat down at the other desk, opened up Microsoft’s Paintbrush program on the computer and proceeded to draw this picture of Don while he slumbered (he wasn’t actually smoking in his sleep though)…This took me the better part of an hour and you’ll have to trust me—this picture is spot-on...An exact Don…

Once I was finished with the drawing, I printed it out and scotch-taped it to his shirt—then I waited…and waited…Finally, Don emerged from his nap, struggling to fight through that pesky post-nap disorientation–-Have you ever seen a guy in his late 60’s wake up from a dead-sleep at 3:30 in the morning and then try to figure out why there’s a computer-generated image of himself taped to his titties? It’s very funny, trust me…

I’ll never forget what happened next—He stood up, ripped the picture off his bosom, crumpled it up and threw it on the floor—He walked over to me, stuck his finger in my face—and said to me…

“You’re fucked…”

🙂

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Litterbug Or Leggerbug?

Equipped with an EZ-Pass...

“He was spotted by a trooper leaning against a guardrail…”

I can’t put my finger on the exact reason—but there’s something bad-ass about a guy’s leg falling off as he’s ripping down the freeway on his motorcycle—This is exactly what happened on June 15th on I-93 in New Hampshire…

A gentleman who was returning home from Bike-Week in Laconia was whipping down the highway when somehow, his prosthetic leg detached before rolling across two lanes of traffic without using it’s turn-signal.

Thankfully, the leg, it’s owner and all other motorists on the road at the time of the incident were unharmed…

(Source—WMUR)

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NY—NH…Cougars, Pigs & Moose…

Coming to a breakfast sandwich in you...

Get Me Off The Island Please…

Due to work obligations, I was sadly displaced this week—to Long Island New York, for three hot days and 2 freezing nights…The air-conditioning unit in my 1st floor hotel room provided what seemed like 15,000+ BTUs of savage cooling capability and I didn’t hesitate to crank her up to 9 before filling two trash-cans with ice & slipping into my cheetah-patterned Speedo…

Upon returning to New Hampshire, the first thing that made me feel at home was all of the beautiful wildlife we have here…I’m not saying it compares Busch Gardens circa 1986, but within 3 hours of pulling onto our shore I spotted a pig and moose…Other than a mitt full of cougar sightings, I didn’t exactly happen upon a plethora of animals in Long Island.  Unless you’d like to count all of the jackasses down there trying to emulate the friggin’ SituationSide Note: If ‘going tanning’ was a sport—then every day would be the frackin’ super-bowl in Long Island…I don’t know if these folks are hanging out in brick ovens, pottery kilns or burning buildings but whatever they’re doing, it must end.

Anyway, I took this picture of the pig and I just happened to read his mind at the same time…The photograph was snapped with my LG Envy phone—I envy anyone who doesn’t own this piece of poo’ phone…

Of course he would...

Then the Moose…

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To the artists’ credit, they weren’t done with it when I took these pictures—but I thought it was pretty cool.  I don’t have too much info on it but I think it’s a husband and wife duo that is working on it.  Not sure what it’s made out of exactly—big twizzlers or some type of rubbery branches…But obviously these two are a very creative couple, I’m sure they find ways to implement crayons and poster-board into their love-making…

Cheers 🙂

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Switching up things…

Bludgeon with Ease

Gang members and West Side Story fans all over New Hampshire, rejoiced today as switchblade knives were finally made legal in the state. For years, New Hampshire hooligans have been envious of their counterparts in neighboring states who enjoyed easy and legal accessibility to the popular weapon of choice.  Said one enthralled parolee, “For years bro, I bin stuck wit dees bowie knives, ya gotta use both hands to open em’ kid. Wit da switchblade, y’all can have one hand free for whatevah.”  The bells of freedom have rung, as will the 911 calls…Live Hands Free or Die.

I’m NHot for Teacher…

Booze, plus drugs, divided by dungarees---equals my homeroom teacher...

Below are a couple of headlines that I came a across in consecutive order today—They paralleled each other quite nicely…I would like to preface this by mentioning that, as a 30-year old, I believe that I must have exited high school just before a new wave of teachers began to roll onto the scene—a very unscrupulous bunch as it turns out…

Action Comes After Three Manchester Teachers Face Trouble With Drugs, Alcohol

WMUR

Here is the second one…3 days later…

Manchester Teachers Banned From Wearing Jeans

Ban Also Includes Shorts, Flip-Flops, Spandex

WMUR

Now that we’ve locked up the drunken methadone user—let’s rid our classrooms of denim while we’re at it?  I like it…Look at that picture up there—that’s what a teacher should look like.  We don’t need these guys and gals to be tanked on booze, high on drugs and driving around in spandex & flip-flops all night.

Get your ass home and grade some papers…